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May 96 min read

Islamically Exploring BDSM in Marriages

Welcome to a new article! If you're familiar with how my blog posts normally go, they typically revolve around something a bit sciency and quick reads. While I will still have those and more up, I'll be launching new posts that are rooted explicitly in Islam and have a new series coming up that looks at sex and relationship lessons we can find in the Quran that aren't so direct– so be on the lookout for that!


For today's read we'll be looking at something commonly asked by Muslims globally– can we explore BDSM in Islamic marriages? The answer, like many things in life, is incredibly nuanced. This is by no means an exhaustive post on all the in's and out's of BDSM in sexual relationships, but is meant to set a foundation of understanding toward the practice.


Some key things to note before we dive right in:

  1. Consult a local imam and/or scholar for accurate guidance, fiqh, and advice tailored to your situation.

  2. I am not a sex wizard.

  3. I am not a marriage magician.


What is BDSM?

"It's hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That's part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can't refuse anything and can't even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel." Cherise Sinclair

You might have heard of the term BDSM thrown around in social discourse or maybe it's something quite familiar to you from prior sources. Regardless, let's take a look at a general break down of leach letter:


B/D: Bondage and Discipline

  • Use of restraints for pleasure, psychological stimulation, aesthetics, and/or sexual appeal.

  • Ranges from handcuffs to the practice of Shibari.

D/S: Dominance and Submission

  • Power exchange.

  • Control and authority over a partner paired with submission to dominance.

S/M: Sadism and Masochism

  • Sadism involves deriving pleasure from pain and/or humiliation.

  • Masochism involves pleasure from receiving pain/humiliation.


All of these are generally quite interlinked with one another, hence forming the term BDSM. While in recent years this practice has come to be popular and mainstream thanks to films such as Fifty Shades of Grey and The Secretary, BDSM has been in practice for quite some time. From the Kama Sutra to 18th century French philosophical literature, the idea of elevating sexual experiences to be inclusive of power exchange, pain, and kink, is not new. Contemporary BDSM practices can be evidently seen flourishing during The Great Depression from Europe to America, with immense popularity booming in cultures alternative to heteronormativity. From the 80s to modern day, the subculture is ever-present. Beyond films, BDSM has also taken a great foothold in popular novels and erotica often read and indulged by women.

Now that we've established that BDSM in all shapes and forms is ever-present in the world, we have to remember that Muslims are also part of that world. Yes, I know that's a fact we are all well aware of, but I say this to explain that it isn't absurd for many Muslims to also engage in that practice. There may be Muslims who grew up entirely unaware of anything sexual so this is simply far out of their scope of what they know. There may be Muslims who have reverted or are interested in reverting that have explored the subculture and are interested in how they can practice this now. There may be women (revert or not) who became sexually interested from a film, show, or novel and are interested in furthering their religion alongside this. There may be men who heard about this from a friend and are interested in learning what on Earth that friend was going on about. There's a variety of means that BDSM has intersected with Muslim lives and there are absolutely many ways in which this can be put into practice.


Forming an Islamic Framework

Primarily, we need to examine what a sex and intimacy should look like outside of BDSM. The main things we know are that sex can only occur in marriage [4:03] and anal and period sex are haraam [2:222]. These are our clear cut rulings from the Quran. We also know that foreplay, compassion, patience, and care are all immensely needed within sexual relationships. Any act is done with the other in mind– there is quite literally no room permitted for selfishness, ego, arrogance, and pride– all of which can grossly come into play within intimate life. Islamic ettiquette, adaab, must also be followed in every sphere of life, from the manner in which you talk to your nieghbor to the respect you give to an unknown stranger– Islam emphasizes kindness towards one another in any and all contexts. With that being said, though there are many other components derived out of nuance that plays a role here, there is a lot of room for BDSM to come into play.


The boundaries come in when certain acts are not in line with Islam ethics and morals. For example, a flogger could be really enjoyable for one couple, but used without consent to the face or a particularly painful zone (without pleasure) crosses those bounds. Anything resulting in humiliation (i.e., pretending to be a dog or bowing to the other) additionally places that sexual experience as not in line with the bounds created. Fetishes such as voyeurism and haraam acts are also not permitted.


To understand the desire for BDSM, we need to further explore why it is enticing. As Dr. Tarek Eghawhary notes, we aren't born with natural inclinations for the practice as this comes out of external influence (i.e., as we've discussed earlier and/or pornography). Attaching behaviours, objects, and ideas to sex can also form during youth– for example, a particular fascination with a certain show about police may foster an interest in restraints and roleplay, or if a certain fabric makes one feel good, that may be desired in a sexual context.


In halal contexts, there is a lot of room for exploration and quite literally adventure; however, it is critical that we consistently remember Allah and how sex is intersected with Islam. For some they may find the connection to Allah via BDSM through gratitude for the security and peace felt alongside a spouse. For another, this may look like consistently seeking Allah's reward by pleasing their spouse and fostering an alternative sex life. Then for others there may be an immense appreciation and gratitude for the unique pleasure and endorphin rush felt during sex. When you centre Allah for all the acts and decisions you make, it becomes easy to then shape your life in accordance with pleasing Allah. When there is a focus on pleasure and the temptation of even exploring slightly outside of what Allah has permitted, the barakah leaves with it. Here, think of the story of Adam (AS) and Hawwa'– as tempting as the tree was in which they were not supposed to approach, they still did and committed a sin. However, with this came accountability and repentance which is quite important to remember.


BDSM in Practice

So now that we've set all the ground rules, what can BDSM look like in practice? For starters, it has to be safe, sane, and consensual. Alongside the practice comes an immense amount of discussion, active listening, compassion, empathy, establishment of safe words and/or a green, yellow, red light system, active consent and check-ins, patience, and safety and care items (snacks, water, scissors). At the end of it all, an immense amount of aftercare is needed as well. This can look different for varying couples, but revolves around coming down from the sex-high together and being emotionally and physically there for one another. Use this as a point to check in and see how the other is doing. Also question what went well? What was not as pleasent as it could have been? Anything noteworthy?


Once all those are set in place, here are three beginner-friendly ways you can introduce BDSM to your sex life:



Beyond BDSM

Now if you've reached the end of this article with questions, feel free to send me an email (maha@thesexologystudio.com). In many cases though you may find that speaking to both a sex therapist and local Imam to be best as they can address the nuance of your case in accordance with Islamic jurisprudence, shari'ah, and psychological counselling. It's not always easy navigating sexual affairs as Muslims, and Allah is with you every step of the way to becoming better insha'Allah.





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